showing up as my messy self
+ who are you spending your limited time with?
hey curious cats.
can i even call you that? i dunno, i’m not feeling particularly creative as i write this if i’m being completely honest with you 🙃 we’ll get into that in the first point.
so, two things in this newsletter!
one: need to, like, acknowledge the surge of subscribers coming in.
hello! hi! thank you so much for subscribing to my personal newsletter 🥹 it genuinely means a lot that you’re here, supporting my art and Work (with a capital W!). heck, supporting art in general!
i would really love to know if you came from the book group, what made you subscribe to my substack?
it would really help me understand my readers more and create more of what you want. so thanks in advance!
i have to say. as someone who’s still recovering from shame (that is, believing that i am a bad person, instead of someone who did something bad), i have been particularly scared to write or even publish the many, many drafts that are rotting in my notion.
i’m still really working on the fear of being seen and showing up here anyway, even though my inner critic, bertha, keeps whooping my ass, screaming that i need to show y’all what i’m made of and every time i write something, she tells me this ain’t good enough. and yes, i do have to name my inner critic to separate myself from her, cus she ain’t me. she really needs to at least start paying fucking rent at this point for making me feel like crap all the time and stopping me from creating and sharing my art.
but anyway, here i am. showing up as my messy self.
a bit about my mini existential crisis…
actually before we get into number two. i also want to say this: a part of me wants to make an exclamation that i haven’t been writing and putting out my best work ever since y’all came in. but i guess this is exactly what you’re signing up for: the messy journey of allowing myself to be a messy human.
especially in the past week or so, i have been in a mini existential crisis of sorts as i contemplate what path i want to continue paving in my life. or as i write this now, i am realising that it’s not disconnected from the big boy crisis i had that started in the autumn of last year (highly recommend you read it below. this one comes from the heart). because at the beginning of that was the big revelation that’s still being met with denial on my end. i think it’s just coming up again, yet i am responding to it a bit more openly.
that time i was stalked by ‘death’
i wanted to tell you about a time when i kept pulling the death card every. single. time. i grab my tarot deck. and you know that do be everyday. the folks on twitch are probably sick of hearing me say this. i have been in a hole of despair ever since… i want to say october.
two: if you’re hanging out with people who don’t make you feel good… why?
in this tiktok, i delve into the unexpected (yet not so unexpected) appearance of the lovers card and its deeper significance beyond romance. watch the taurus szn guidance below and give it a like if this gave you that much needed snap out of your learned helplessness!
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I *love* the idea of naming your inner critic!! (I also love that she's called Bertha.) Here's to embracing messy reality!